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Watch Your F*Cking Language

How to Swear Effectively, Explained in Explicit Detail and Enhanced by Numerous Examples Taken from Everyday Life

St. Martin's Press

Short Stuff

If we piss as we walk, must we next shit as we run? — MONTAIGNE (UPON OBSERVING A MAN WHO PISSED AS HE STROLLED THE CHAMPS ÉLYSÉES.)

Acronyms, abbreviations, and initialisms are among the more annoying time-saving inventions. Still, time is money, and we might as well profit from the truncated swears so common today.

An acronym is a pronounceable word formed from the first letter or letters of a phrase. For example, the ZIP of the postal code stands for Zoning Improvement Plan.

FUBAR

Fucked up beyond all recognition. Pronounceable, thus an acronym.

RTFM

You'd usually write this out. If you speak it, pronounce each letter. Try to pronounce it as a word and you're begging for a Heimlich maneuver. It stands for read the fucking manual, sound advice for men who don't know what to do when their computers fuck up and the office nerd is J.O.ing (see here) in the supply closet.

BS

This stands for bullshit and is both noun and verb. Pronounce the letters "bee-ess."

SOL

This stands for shit out of luck, which means totally unlucky. It looks like an acronym but it isn't. It's an initialism. Pronounce the letters "ess-oh-el."

SOB

This stands for son of a bitch. Pronounce the letters "ess-oh-bee."

example:

Velma:

I asked for a raise and the boss told me I was SOL. The company isn't making any money.

Elmer:

The SOB was BSing you.

FY

For years FYI has meant for your information. Only with the advent of e-mail has FY enjoyed popularity as a stand-in for fuck you. Consider this e-mail exchange between a boss and an underling.

example:

Dithers: To Bumstead: FYI, In the interest of safety and economy, coffee breaks will be limited to three minutes, once a week.

Bumstead: To Dithers: FYI, FY!

DF

Pronounced: "dee-ef," this stands for dog fucker and is generally used metaphorically. Its uses are many. For instance, when addressing some arrogant prick with multiple academic degrees, you needn't acknowledge them all. Simply use DF.

example:

William: What's that DF on your sombrero stand for?

Jay: Distrito Federal, my good man. It's Mexico's capital city, home of the Universidad Nacional Autonoma de Mexico where I earned three advanced degrees in Communication Arts.

William: Well, Professor DF, this is Boulder, Colorado, and here it means dog fucker.

On occasion, the DF in question may be an actualfucker of dogs.

example:

Byron: Did you hear that Chauncey Whitlock entered his Doberman at the Pebble Beach Dog Show last week?

Shelley: No. How did the old DF make out?

Byron: He got off easy: six months house arrest, two years probation, and a three-day suspension from the Del Monte Kennel Club.

CYA

Cover your ass. This is the motto of bureaucrats everywhere. It means that no matter what goes wrong, make sure you're not held responsible. Each letter is pronounced: "cee-wye-a."

example:

George: Uh-oh. I accidentally launched a nuclear strike on Canada. What should I do now?

Karl: CYA. Blame it on the media.

WAG

This is an acronym for wild ass guess. Making a WAG is the very essence of creative brain-storming, and also of coming up with dumb answers. Engineers tend to make SWAGs, scientific wild ass guesses. Although "wild" can mean extraordinary, as used here it means reckless, visionary, or unlikely. The ass is an intensifier, as in a "big-ass truck." (See About the Size of It section)

example:

Joe: See that blonde with the wild ass? On the way back from the men's room I propositioned her. What do you think my chances are?

Jim: The big-ass bouncer she was talking with is headed this way. My SWAG is he's going to kick your ass.

BFD

Pronounced "bee-ef-dee," it means big fucking deal and should only be used in e-mail correspondence.

McFuck

From the world of no-frills fast food we get the name for a no-frills fast fuck, also called a quickie.

In Great Britain, where the McFuck is done standing up, it's called a knee trembler.

In the United States the position is shunned by Southern Baptists, because it could lead to dancing.

P.O.'d

Short for pissed off, meaning angered. Each letter is pronounced "pee-oh'd." But why bother? This initialism is both unnecessary and confusing.

example:

Arlo: I'm P.O.'d at the Post Office. I didn't get any mail.

Harlow: I got a ton of junk mail. I'm pissed off at the P.O. too.

Piss off!

When you anger someone, you piss off that person; however, the command Piss off! is British usage and means go away, get lost.

example:

Oscar: Would it piss you off if I put my hand on your thigh?

Jeeves: Piss off!

FAQ

This is pronounced "fak" and is not a swear. It is Internet shorthand for a Frequently Asked Question. Do not confuse it with tricky variations of fuck, such as fug, which Norman Mailer used in his 1948 novel The Naked and the Dead. He fooled no one. More than a half-century later, neither will you. As a former First Lady observed, "Just say fuck!"

MOFO

You'd think this corrupted shortening of mother fucker would be MOFU, but it isn't. It's a jovial term, usually used between friends.

example:

Moe: Do you do karate, McArty?

McArty: No, MOFO, kung-fu.

SNAFU

The acronym means situation normal: all fucked up. It is occasionally rendered as situation normal: all fouled up. This is witless and wrong. The descriptive phrase is also used as a noun.

example:

Ed: I hear Bruce fouled up.

Fred: Yeah. He's in jail for screwing chickens.

Ed: Fowled up again. A typical Bruce SNAFU.

SMA

Not an acronym, it stands for suck my ass. When spoken, each letter is pronounced: "ess-em-a." It is occasionally used as a postscript to a letter. It has greater impact than kiss my ass, but the meaning is essentially the same.

example:

Miss Fitzgibbons: See me after class, young man! We need to talk about your inappropriate language!

Bradley: SMA! I don't talk to anybody without my lawyer present.

CF

This is a military term and — following the military fashion of making things more complicated than necessary — it is pronounced "Charley Foxtrot." The initials refer to a cluster fuck, which is an aggravated SNAFU.

example:

Commander Cody: Sorry about wiping out your platoon with friendly fire. Must have given the wrong coordinates.

Corporal Payne: No sweat, sir. I always expect a Charley Foxtrot from you, you fox-trotting ass-wipe.

MF

Mother fucker, clear and simple. Best written, although acceptable when spoken "em-ef."

J.O.

Pronounced "jay-oh," this stands for jerk off, the verb. As a noun, a jerk-off is a useless sort of person. The noun form should not be abbreviated.

example:

Tom: Can you believe it? Joe's watching a J. Lo video and J.O.ing in the hot tub.

Viv: What a jerk-off!

The F-word

This is a poor substitute for fuck. For instance, it's jarring to the ears to hear, "Who the F-word knows?"

A

1. This means ass, but it is best used in compounds. Occasionally one hears, "He's a pain in the A." This is foolish. Say pain in the ass.

2. In the expression fucking-A, A doesn't mean ass. It is an affirmation, perhaps related to the word "aye" used by sailors, or perhaps related to the letter A used in A-1, indicating something of first-quality.

example:

Ahab: Hast thou seen the white whale?

Queequeg: Aye, Captain. If you mean that big fat A-hole Ishmael, I fucking-A have!

A-hole

A barely acceptable abbreviation for asshole.

example:

Marge: I got a D on my geography midterm, because I thought the English Channel was the BBC. The teachers here are fucking A-holes.

Jim: Fucking-A. On my electronics midterm I said AM radios don't work in the PM and the fucking MF gave me a fucking F.

BJ

Pronounced "bee-jay" it stands for blow job. Appropriate in spoken or written form.

MFWIC

Pronounced mifwick, this is sort of an acronym. It is used at IBM and other high-tech companies and means mother fucker what's in charge. (Note: it is "what's," not "who's.") A MFWIC is a person who actually runs the show, not a figurehead.

example:

Ray: I need an approval on this contract, is the CEO in?

Al: Yeah — in his secretary. I'll handle it. I'm the MFWIC.

On occasion you may see ESFL (English as a Second F*cking Language) and WYFL (Watch Your F*cking Language). ESFL is simply a grouping of initial letters, impossible to pronounce as a single word by anyone not fluent in the Basque tongue. WYFL is an acronym, and should be pronounced "wiffle."

We recommend you use the full titles.

Need to Know

ESFL

WYFL

Nice to Know

A
BJ
BS
CF
CYA
FAQ
FUBAR
J.O.
MOFO
RTFM
SMA
SNAFU
SOB
SOL
SWAG
WAG

Forget It

A-hole
BFD
The F-word
P.O.'d

Banned Devices

The shades of night were falling fast,
As through an Alpine village passed
A youth, who bore, 'mid snow and ice,
A stranger with a banned device,
Excelsior!

— HENRY WADSWORTH LONGFELLOW

Is the stranger's name "Excelsior" or is that the name of the banned device? The poet leaves it for us to decide. But if the device is a dildo, it may indeed be named Excelsior. (And if the youth tries to take it into Alabama, he'll soon discover it's banned.)

dildo

Dildos are artificial pricks. Like tofu hotdogs, they are meat substitutes and considered by some consumers to be better than the real thing.

The basic dildo is simply a dick-shaped object that can be inserted into an orifice. Dildos range in sophistication from a simple candle to the high-tech Steely Dan III from Yokohama. (See here) Cucumbers, carrots, and sundry legumes often fill the bill. (See Vegetable section.)

More advanced dildos are battery powered or plug into an electrical outlet (industrial strength dildos). They are called vibrators and are usually plastic or rubber, although silicone is the choice of power users.

strap-on

Strap-ons are dildos with special fasteners, such as straps, ropes, ribbons, Velcro, etc. They are worn by a second party, usually a friend.

Vac-U-Jac

For men, there are special devices for jacking-off, most notably, the Vac-U-Jac, an electrically powered artificial pussy. It comes with an attachment that plugs into a dashboard cigarette lighter. When the Vac-U-Jac technology was combined with Veg-a-Matic technology, it led to haircutting devices such as the Flowbee.

example:

Elroy: How come you're so pissed-off at your wife?

Barry: She hooked up my Vac-U-Jac to the Veg-a-Matic and made her own Flowbee. When I got home last night she was giving hand jobs and haircuts to vegetarian sailors.

rubber

This is the most common term for a condom, even though not all are made from rubber. Lambskins are made from sheep intestines. In a pinch, some people have used Saran Wrap. Innovation has been common since the days of King Arthur's Round Table, as noted by Geoffrey Chaucer, Jr.

In days of old
When knights were bold
And condoms weren't invented,
They'd wrap their socks
Around their cocks
And fuck away contented.

The devices are called safes in Boston, East River eels in New York City, English caps in Paris, and — dumbest of all — French letters in London.

the glove

Street term for a condom.

raincoat

Street term for a condom.

scumbag

Because ignorant people consider jizz undesirable, this was once a common term for a rubber. Later it came to mean a sluttish woman. Today it most often refers to a low-life, man or woman.

example:

Leon: Damn it, I've got a hot date tonight and somebody stole all my scumbags.

Jocko: Maybe it was that scumbag you were screwing on the corner table at Denny's last night.

Leon: That was no scumbag, that was my wife — you scumbag!

French tickler

A condom gussied up with ribs, wings, nodules, feelers, tentacles or other such appendages. More a male fantasy than a tool for heightening milady's pleasure. Essentially it's a party hat for a prick.

ben wah balls

A legacy from ancient Japan, a ben wah ball is considered the lady's home companion. About the size of a golf ball, it is hollow and contains a smaller solid ball. Used in pairs, they wiggle and jiggle inside the snatch of the user, thereby causing orgasms, which is the whole point, right?

Need to Know

dildo
French tickler
rubber
scumbag

Nice to Know

ben wah balls
dipstick

Forget It

English cap
French letter

Term Limits

If you're afraid of going too far, you won't go far enough. — MICHAEL KINSLEY

In swearing, concerns of taste, tradition, and propriety are ridiculous. There should be no limits to the terms you use — and but one criterion: the words must enhance communication.

Far too often people complain that their minds are imprisoned, even though they themselves built the prisons.

example:

Pat: I can't help myself. I have this overpowering desire to wear women's panties.

Mike: Jesus, Patricia, it ain't that big a deal.

Even when we ourselves aren't hobbling our development — spiritual and otherwise — those close to us may try to do so.

example:

Brad: The Bible talks about folks who "drink their own piss,* so why the big fuss when I brought it up the other night?

Janet: Because we were at a wine-tasting, numbnuts.

*2 Kings 18:27

Well, fuck Janet and her secularism! If smarmy politicians can quote Scripture for their own purposes, so can Brad.

And so can you.

Other Voices

Oh! Calcutta! — 1970S BRITISH PLAY

Oh! Calcutta! is a pun on the French phrase "O! quelle cul t'as," (Oh! what an ass you have!"). The revue, which introduced full-frontal nudity to the British stage, should have properly been titled Tits, Balls, Cunts, and Pricks. In the chauvinist atmosphere of the 1970s, author Kenneth Tynan barely escaped prosecution for preferring French to English.

Today it's no crime to swear in a foreign tongue, but — with a few exceptions — it should be.

We're not against foreigners' swearing. Fuck no. We encourage people to swear in any language. However, the terms they use interest us only when they become part of our own tongue.

We've acquired many words directly from other languages: From the Spanish, loco (crazy); from the Italian, spaghetti (spaghetti); from the German, Rechtsschutzversicherung (legal-costs insurance).

Most such words are useless — but not all.

Perhaps the only Spanish you know is Chinga tu madre! (Fuck your mother!)

It may not make you the next ambassador to Mexico, but it's enough to get by on. You'll make your point. In fact, just saying, Tu madre! will do the trick.

We don't borrow words from other languages; we seize them, with no intention of giving them back. Often we improve on them, as with the German fick and the French foutre. Although they may have planted a seed, they are nowhere near as pleasing as our word fuck.

Need proof? Repeat each word aloud five times. You'll note that the German sounds like a hamster in heat and the French sounds like a Michelin tire going flat.

But the sound of multiple fucks — not to mention the satisfying mouth feel — is positively invigorating.

Certain foreign swears fit well into our language.

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Excerpted from Watch Your F*Cking Language by Sterling Johnson. Copyright © 2004 Sterling Johnson. Excerpted by permission of St. Martin's Press.
All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.
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