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Watch Your F*cking Language

Short Stuff

If we piss as we walk, must we next shit as we run?

—MONTAIGNE (UPON OBSERVING A MAN WHO PISSED AS HE STROLLED THE CHAMPS ÉLYSÉES.)

Acronyms, abbreviations, and initialisms are among the more annoying time-saving inventions. Still, time is money, and we might as well profit from the truncated swears so common today.

An acronym is a pronounceable word formed from the first letter or letters of a phrase. For example, the ZIP of the postal code stands for Zoning Improvement Plan.

FUBAR

Fucked up beyond all recognition. Pronounceable, thus an acronym.

RTFM

You'd usually write this out. If you speak it, pronounce each letter. Try to pronounce it as a word and you're begging for a Heimlich maneuver. It stands for read the fucking manual, sound advice for men whodon't know what to do when their computers fuck up and the office nerd is J.O.ing (see here) in the supply closet.

BS

This stands for bullshit and is both noun and verb. Pronounce the letters "bee-ess."

SOL

This stands for shit out of luck, which means totally unlucky. It looks like an acronym but it isn't. It's an initialism. Pronounce the letters "ess-oh-el."

SOB

This stands for son of a bitch. Pronounce the letters "ess-oh-bee."

example:

FY

For years FYI has meant for your information. Only with the advent of e-mail has FY enjoyed popularity as a stand-in for fuck you. Consider this e-mail exchange between a boss and an underling.

example:

DF

Pronounced: "dee-ef," this stands for dog fucker and is generally used metaphorically. Its uses are many. For instance, when addressing some arrogant prick with multiple academic degrees, you needn't acknowledge them all. Simply use DF.

example:

On occasion, the DF in question may be an actual fucker of dogs.

example:

CYA

Cover your ass. This is the motto of bureaucrats everywhere. It means that no matter what goes wrong, make sure you're not held responsible. Each letter is pronounced: "cee-wye-a."

example:

WAG

This is an acronym for wild ass guess. Making a WAG is the very essence of creative brain-storming, and also of coming up with dumb answers. Engineers tend to make SWAGs, scientific wild ass guesses. Although "wild" can mean extraordinary, as used here it means reckless, visionary, or unlikely. The ass is an intensifier, as in a "big-ass truck." (See About the Size of It section)

example:

BFD

Pronounced "bee-ef-dee," it means big fucking deal and should only be used in e-mail correspondence.

McFuck

From the world of no-frills fast food we get the name for a no-frills fast fuck, also called a quickie.

In Great Britain, where the McFuck is done standing up, it's called a knee trembler.

In the United States the position is shunned by Southern Baptists, because it could lead to dancing.

P.O. 'd

Short for pissed off, meaning angered. Each letter is pronounced "pee-oh'd." But why bother? This initialism is both unnecessary and confusing.

example:

Piss off!

When you anger someone, you piss off that person; however, the command Piss off! is British usage and means go away, get lost.

example:

FAQ

This is pronounced "fak" and is not a swear. It is Internet shorthand for a Frequently Asked Question. Donot confuse it with tricky variations of fuck, such as fug, which Norman Mailer used in his 1948 novel The Naked and the Dead. He fooled no one. More than a half-century later, neither will you. As a former First Lady observed, "Just say fuck!"

MOFO

You'd think this corrupted shortening of mother fucker would be MOFU, but it isn't. It's a jovial term, usually used between friends.

example:

SNAFU

The acronym means situation normal: all fucked up. It is occasionally rendered as situation normal: all fouled up. This is witless and wrong. The descriptive phrase is also used as a noun.

example:

SMA

Not an acronym, it stands for suck my ass. When spoken, each letter is pronounced: "ess-em-a." It is occasionally used as a postscript to a letter. It has greater impact than kiss my ass, but the meaning is essentially the same.

example:

CF

This is a military term and—following the military fashion of making things more complicated than necessary—it is pronounced "Charley Foxtrot."1 The initials refer to a cluster fuck, which is an aggravated SNAFU.

example:

MF

Mother fucker, clear and simple. Best written, although acceptable when spoken "em-ef."

J.O.

Pronounced "jay-oh," this stands for jerk off, the verb. As a noun, a jerk-off is a useless sort of person. The noun form should not be abbreviated.

example:

The F-word

This is a poor substitute for fuck. For instance, it's jarring to the ears to hear, "Who the F-word knows?"

A

1. This means ass, but it is best used in compounds. Occasionally one hears, "He's a pain in the A." This is foolish. Say pain in the ass.

2. In the expression fucking-A, A doesn't mean ass. It is an affirmation, perhaps related to the word "aye" used by sailors, or perhaps related to the letter A used in A-1, indicating something of first-quality.

example:

A-hole

A barely acceptable abbreviation for asshole.

example:

BJ

Pronounced "bee-jay" it stands for blow job. Appropriate in spoken or written form.

MFWIC

Pronounced mifwick, this is sort of an acronym. It is used at IBM and other high-tech companies and means mother fucker what's in charge. (Note: it is "what's," not "who's.") A MFWIC is a person who actually runs the show, not a figurehead.

example:

On occasion you may see ESFL (English as a Second F*cking Language) and WYFL (Watch Your F*cking Language). ESFL is simply a grouping of initial letters, impossible to pronounce as a single word by anyone not fluent in the Basque tongue. WYFL is an acronym, and should be pronounced "wiffle."

We recommend you use the full titles.

Need to Know

ESFL

WYFL

Nice to Know

A BJ BS CF CYA FAQ FUBAR J.O. MOFO RTFM SMA SNAFU SOB SOL SWAG WAG

Forget It

A-hole BFD The F-word P.O.'d

Fucking-F

The term F-word is displeasing. It suggests that for fuck you should say eff. Rubbish! Eff lacks the satisfying hard "ck" sound of fuck. It and its derivatives should only be used in a pinch.

example:

During a codfish drought in Boston, a restaurant owner grew weary of telling a lady that the fish wasn't available. Finally he put a picture of a codfish in his window and wrote "COFD" across it. On her next visit the problem was resolved.

WATCH YOUR F*CKING LANGUAGE. Copyright © 2004 by Sterling Johnson. All rights reserved. No part of this book may be used or reproduced in any manner whatsoever without written permission except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical articles or reviews. For information, address St. Martin's Press, 175 Fifth Avenue, New York, N. Y. 10010.