Read an Excerpt

CHAPTER 1

THE REJECTS

ROBERT LEIGHTON

Frequently Asked Questions

• Where do you get your ideas?

Happy Dragon Cartoon Mill, Hong Kong (trade secret).

• Which comes first, the picture or the caption?

Usually I draw a sketch which suggests an idea/cartoon ... which then suggests a different picture.

• How'd you get started?

R. L. Stine published my work when he was an editor at Scholastic.

• I admire ...

Ayad Meyer. (Complete coincidence.)

• How do you deal with rejection?

As a New Yorker cartoonist, I thrive on rejection. Imagine my disappointment on those fortunately rare occasions when they buy one of my cartoons.

• What are some things that make you laugh and why?

Buster Keaton's One Week, Harvey Kurtzman's Starchie, Calvin and Hobbes Sunday strips, The Onion's Our Dumb Century. In each case, the humor is in the details.

• I've got a great idea for a cartoon — wanna hear it?

Not unless you want to hear my great idea for investment banking.

Infrequently Asked Questions

• Have you mooned or been mooned more often in your life? Been mooned (1), Mooned (0).

• What would make a terrible pizza topping?

Those stringy things you peel off bananas.

• What might one expect to find at a really low-budget amusement park?

Bring-your-own safety bar/Walk-up Ferris Wheel.

• What did the shepherd say to the three-legged sheepdog?

It's kind of slow around here. I'm going to have to let another one of your legs go.

And Now for a Few More Questions ...

• What do you hate drawing?

Mansion interiors, crowd scenes, cars.

• Being as accurate as possible, how many desert island cartoons do you think you've come up with and submitted to The New Yorker?

16. (None sold.)

• What's the funniest thing that you witnessed, overheard, or came up with that you couldn't figure out how to use in a cartoon?

Being indiscreet/Peeing in the street.

• If you could ask Bob Mankoff, The New Yorker cartoon editor, one question, what would it be?

Get it?

Draw Some Sort of Doodle

... using the random lines below as a starting point.

Naming Names

• What name might you give to a mild-mannered, slightly overweight dental assistant in one of your cartoons?

Peg or Josie. (I have Steely Dan playing in the background.)

• Other than Lance, what name would you give to a twenty-eight-year-old metrosexual entertainment lawyer who cycles on weekends?

Billy-Bob. (Playing against stereotypes here.)

• What would be a good name for a new, commercially unviable breakfast cereal?

(I have been paid to do this.) Toback-O's/Deep Morning.

• Come up with a name for an unpleasant medical procedure.

The Paine-Hertz procedure.

• If you used a pen name, what would it be?

Who says I don't?

Complete the Pie Chart Below

... in a way that tells us something about your life or how you think.

JACK ZIEGLER

Frequently Asked Questions

• Where do you get your ideas?

Macy's.

• Which comes first, the picture or the caption?

Neither. Breakfast comes first.

• How do you get started?

With lots of baby oil — and then WATCH OUT!!

• I admire ...

Steinberg, Picasso, Steig, Henry Miller, Geo Booth, Alan Dunn, B. Kliban, M. K. Brown, André Francois, Wayne Thiebaud, Rick Griffin, Harvey Kurtzman, Mobius, etc., etc.

• How do you deal with rejection?

I go out and hunt down small creatures in the forest.

• What are some things that make you laugh and why?

David Caruso in any episode of CSI: Miami; any Seinfeld rerun featuring Jerry Stiller; Dane Cook; certain friends who shall be unnamed. Why? Because they're funny.

• I've got a great idea for a cartoon — wanna hear it?

I'm all ears.

Infrequently Asked Questions

• Have you mooned or been mooned more often in your life?

Neither.

• What would make a terrible pizza topping?

Iron filings.

• What might one expect to find at a really low-budget amusement park?

David Caruso.

• What did the shepherd say to the three-legged sheepdog?

FETCH! And this time more quickly please.

Draw Some Sort of Doodle

... using the random lines below as a starting point.

And Now for a Few More Questions ...

• What do you hate drawing?

Tall people.

• Being as accurate as possible, how many desert island cartoons do you think you've come up with and submitted to The New Yorker?

Hundreds. (Rejection rate: 97 percent.)

• What's the funniest thing that you witnessed, overheard, or came up with that you couldn't figure out how to use in a cartoon?

My first lobotomy.

• If you could ask Bob Mankoff, The New Yorker cartoon editor, one question, what would it be?

Where did you get that haircut?

Naming Names

• What name might you give to a mild-mannered, slightly overweight dental assistant in one of your cartoons?

Bob.

• Other than Lance, what name would you give to a twenty-eight-year-old metrosexual entertainment lawyer who cycles on weekends?

Bob.

• What would be a good name for a new, commercially unviable breakfast cereal?

Fibrous Bob-o-Links.

• Come up with a name for an unpleasant medical procedure.

The Bob Reduction.

• If you used a pen name, what would it be?

Bob.

Complete the Pie Chart Below

... in a way that tells us something about your life or how you think.

ROZ CHAST

Frequently Asked Questions

• Where do you get your ideas?

No.

• Which comes first, the picture or the caption?

Yes.

• How'd you get started?

Sometimes.

• I admire ...

Bruce Jay Friedman, Charles Portis, Thomas Mann, Charles Addams, Mary Petty, Sue Coe, Jack Ziegler, Gahan Wilson, Stephin Merritt, and about a million others. It would sicken you if I listed all of them.

• How do you deal with rejection?

I feel very sorry for myself and sometimes get into a panic. Then I do my best to get back to work, because what else is there to do? There's only so much origami a person can fold.

• What are some things that make you laugh and why?

Once I was at lunch with a group of cartoonists and the word "bolus" came up. A bolus is a lump of chewed food. That made me really laugh, but I don't know why. I also find It's a Gift, an old W. C. Fields movie, very hilarious, especially that scene when the mother and the daughter are discussing whether to buy something called Syrup of Squill. Weird, unexpected things set me off way more than scripted jokes, which sometimes just make me depressed.

• I've got a great idea for a cartoon — wanna hear it?

Rarely.

Infrequently Asked Questions

• Have you mooned or been mooned more often in your life?

Neither.

• What would make a terrible pizza topping?

Stye ointment.

• What might one expect to find at a really low-budget amusement park?

My family.

• What did the shepherd say to the three-legged sheepdog?

How did you lose your leg?

And Now for a Few More Questions ...

• What do you hate drawing?

Forests.

• Being as accurate as possible, how many desert island cartoons do you think you've come up with and submitted to The New Yorker?

Four.

• What's the funniest thing that you witnessed, overheard, or came up with that you couldn't figure out how to use in a cartoon?

My husband told a highway tollbooth clerk that soon her job would be done by a robot.

• If you could ask Bob Mankoff, The New Yorker cartoon editor, one question, what would it be?

I just found this note on my desk that says, "Call Fred! Important! 2 P.M.!!" Do you know who this Fred is?

Draw Some Sort of Doodle

... using the random lines below as a starting point.

Naming Names

• What name might you give to a mild-mannered, slightly overweight dental assistant in one of your cartoons?

Trixi.

• Other than Lance, what name would you give to a twenty-eight-year-old metrosexual entertainment lawyer who cycles on weekends?

Mance.

• What would be a good name for a new, commercially unviable breakfast cereal?

Kidney Chex.

• Come up with a name for an unpleasant medical procedure.

Eyeball 'Splodofication.

• If you used a pen name, what would it be?

Penny McPen.

Complete the Pie Chart Below

... in a way that tells us something about your life or how you think.

DAVID SIPRESS

Frequently Asked Questions

• Where do you get your ideas?

Barcelona.

• Which comes first, the picture or the caption?

The egg.

• How'd you get started?

God appeared to me in a vision and handed me crow quill pen points and a Bristol pad.

• I admire ...

Anyone who has a regular job — how the hell do they do it???

• How do you deal with rejection?

• What are some things that make you laugh and why?

This is not an answer to this question. I can't think of an answer to this question. I just felt like drawing a dog with a guy's head.

• I've got a great idea for a cartoon — wanna hear it?

Are you from Barcelona?

Infrequently Asked Questions

• Have you mooned or been mooned more often in your life?

This question is asinine.

• What would make a terrible pizza topping?

Stool softener.

• What might one expect to find at a really low-budget amusement park?

Poor children.

• What did the shepherd say to the three-legged sheepdog?

Yum — that was delicious. I think I'll go ahead and eat the other three.

Draw Something in This Space

... that will help us understand your childhood.

And Now for a Few More Questions ...

• What do you hate drawing?

Anything complicated.

• Being as accurate as possible, how many desert island cartoons do you think you've come up with and submitted to The New Yorker?

Ten thousand.

• What's the funniest thing that you witnessed, overheard, or came up with that you couldn't figure out how to use in a cartoon?

Two people stuck on a desert island.

• If you could ask Bob Mankoff, The New Yorker cartoon editor, one question, what would it be?

Have you no sense of decency, sir? At long last, have you no sense of decency?

Naming Names

• What name might you give to a mild-mannered, slightly overweight dental assistant in one of your cartoons?

I don't give people in my cartoons names. They come up with them themselves.

• Other than Lance, what name would you give to a twenty-eight-year-old metro-sexual entertainment lawyer who cycles on weekends?

See above.

• What would be a good name for a new, commercially unviable breakfast cereal? Nukes.

• Come up with a name for an unpleasant medical procedure.

Check up.

• If you used a pen name, what would it be?

Bic.

Complete the Pie Chart Below

... in a way that tells us something about your life or how you think.

HARRY BLISS

Frequently Asked Questions

• Where do you get your ideas?

I get most of my ideas from all the great dead cartoonists who can no longer sue me for stealing their ideas. Also, my pals say funny stuff and I just draw it.

• Which comes first, the picture or the caption?

Neither, see above.

• How'd you get started?

How did we all "get started"? The sperm fertilizes the egg. ...

• I admire ...

I admire my dog, Penny, specifically the way she's able to catch and release squirrels — amazing. Oh, and I also admire a million dollars.

• How do you deal with rejection?

Are you kidding? I'm constantly reflecting. I'm the most self-reflect — what's that? Rejection? Oh, I thought you said reflection — my bad. Does this mean I'm not going to be included in the book?! What, just because I screwed up on one of your stupid questions?! Do you know who the _uck you're dealing with?! How dare you! I know where you live, mother_ucker!!

• What are some things that make you laugh and why?

One thing that really cracks me up is stalking kiss-ass interviewers who think they have the balls to not publish my work because of one misunderstanding. I laugh so freaking hard when I secretly watch them at home with their family, like the serial killer in Red Dragon or like Robert De Niro in Cape Fear ... or what about Glenn Close when she cooked the family's fluffy new bunny in the soup pot ... hilarious!

• I've got a great idea for a cartoon — wanna hear it?

Sure, go ahead, I'm just gonna leaf blow my yard, but you go ahead. I'm listening.

Infrequently Asked Questions

• Have you mooned or been mooned more often in your life? Nope, never mooned or been mooned ... nor have I streaked since the '80s.

• What would make a terrible pizza topping?

Shredded kitten cartilage.

• What might one expect to find at a really low-budget amusement park?

Dead children.

• What did the shepherd say to the three-legged sheepdog?

Okay, forget corralling the sheep, how proficient are you with PowerPoint?

And Now for a Few More Questions ...

• What do you hate drawing?

English muffins, tempeh, midwife-toads, cassowaries, the Sistine Chapel, galvanic tractors, and venereal disease.

• Being as accurate as possible, how many desert island cartoons do you think you've come up with and submitted to The New Yorker?

Roughly, twenty-seven and two-thirds.

• What's the funniest thing that you witnessed, overheard, or came up with that you couldn't figure out how to use in a cartoon?

I once dreamed that Adolf Hitler and Anne Frank were on The Brady Bunch, except Hitler was Marsha and Anne was Peter and she hit Hitler in the nose with a football and Hitler yelled in German, "Ich vun du shleip von deuth!"

• If you could ask Bob Mankoff, The New Yorker cartoon editor, one question, what would it be?

Why don't we make love more than once a week?

Naming Names

• What name might you give to a mild-mannered, slightly overweight dental assistant in one of your cartoons?

Lorthrope.

• Other than Lance, what name would you give to a twenty-eight-year-old metrosexual entertainment lawyer who cycles on weekends?

Wanker.

• What would be a good name for a new, commercially unviable breakfast cereal?

Crack Baby Crunchies.

• Come up with a name for an unpleasant medical procedure.

Testicular Removaloscopy.

• If you used a pen name, what would it be?

Funny Mother_ucker.

Complete the Pie Chart Below

... in a way that tells us something about your life or how you think.

LEO CULLUM

Frequently Asked Questions

• Where do you get your ideas?

I find them under my pillow when I wake up.

• Which comes first, the picture or the caption?

The caption, which then smokes a cigarette ... oh please!

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Excerpted from "The Best of the Rejection Collection"
by .
Copyright © 2011 Matthew Diffee.
Excerpted by permission of Workman Publishing.
All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.
Excerpts are provided by Dial-A-Book Inc. solely for the personal use of visitors to this web site.

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